Degomerate

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DEGOMERATE The drug to give when nothing else can be done!

Three weeks of extensive clinical experience in the U.S. and abroad have allowed us to bring you the drug that was previously thought to be undevelopable -- Degomerate.

By carefully reviewing 4 hospital charts, we saw that there was a need for a new drug, one that would fill the needs of the new intern in the ICU. After compiling a list of drugs most frequently used on the terminal patient, we combined them into one simple preparation.And now, after years of testing on amoebas and hoary marmots, Degomerate is available to you, the new intern.

Our new improved formula is guaranteed to control any psychotic, infectious, or cardiac problem you encounter.

ADVANTAGES........Preserves the sex life of your ICU patient........Available in 15 and 30 Gram capsules, also IV/IM........Convenient in "q15minute" administration........No complaints of GI upset in comatose patients........Effective in clinical studies of Tahitian monks

"When Shotgun Therapy is Indicated: DEGOMERATE!"

Contains: Morphine Imipramine Haloperidol Chlorpromazine Diazepam Furosemide Diazoxide Propranolol Nitroglycerine Lidocaine Quinidine Amiodarone Flecainide Atropine Epinephrine Dopamine Norepinephrine Warfarin Imipenem Acyclovir Ceftazidine Nafcillin Amikacin Amphotericin B Clindamycin

INDICATIONS: Presence in an ICU of more than one of the following:
1) IV's pulled out despite four-point soft restraints
2) The Haloperidol drip isn't holding him
3) Smokes cigarettes through endotracheal tube
4) Rounds consist of discussion of patient's code status
5) Has not spoken coherently since Aug 5, 1962
6) Thinks you are his grandson
7) Is overdrawn at the bank
8) Daily progress notes are longer than 2.5 pages
9) Turning on all his life support devices at once blacks-out 3 hospital floors
10) After 48 hours on the unit, his chart weighs more than the Manhattan white pages
11) Drawing daily bloodwork requires replacement with 2 units of packed red blood cells
12) At any one time, has more than 3 miles of IV tubing
13) Has 8 or more consults - all pending
14) Has developed AML from hourly stat CXR's

CONTRAINDICATIONS: any intelligent speech

ADVERSE REACTIONS: Vertigo, development of a prurient interest in broccoli, death, pregnancy, an insane desire to take Heme I as an elective, leprosy, believes he is Woody Hayes, and the most serious possible side effect - total recovery.

DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION: Adults: as needed, not to exceed 2 kg/day. Children: use Degomerate Jr., which is cherry flavored and also supplies the MDR of 19 vitamins and minerals.


OVERDOSAGE: Pray!

Unfortunately, it's probably not in the formulary!